I choose, I pay...that's the rule
- Please! Stop! This must be a mistake! But it was't, only that I was a coward to tell. I tried to make things right and I hoped this would never happen and so they wouldn't find out. But things go their own way and there's nothing we can do.
- Tell them! Tell them there is no way you did that. Tell them, Josh! Please! I could stand seeing her crying and my kid looking at me with no expression. At least they were taking me from there and I could escape from their looks for a while.
- You can come and see him in 24 hours! And we left and they remained there. But I wasn't able to see them anymore.
The first hours were also the worst. Being lonely in a cell, for the first time, it isn't exactly a nice feeling. In those moments everything that I had done passed through my mind. How I became involved in a drug business when I was in my twenties and what life I had. Being drunk and high almost everytime. And then I met Lisa. I didn't take it too serious, but she was good and when she found out what I was doing she helped me. Those were the worst weeks of my life. I was sick. Trembling. Sweating. Trying to resist the temptation. I was sure I was gonna die, but it looked like there were other things for me to do.
After that I knew that I needed her and I couldn't let her go. And so I decide I wanted a family, a real one. So, Michael was born and he became the center of our life. I was finally happy. I had all that you would want, but we can't change the past and sometimes it comes after you.
I entered in a dark period in my life and so I resume my old habits. It was the only thing that I was actually good at. It felt good. I don't know why, but that was the kind of lifestyle that I liked. That made me feel alive. You know all that adrenaline. The feeling that you can be caught at any moment. That became like a drug. And after that, nothing seemed to be the same. I wasn't the same man. I was gone for hours. Days. Nights. I was in a rolercoaster of emotions. And that is how I ended there. In prison. The place where I actually deserve to be. The place where being able to feel the sun is one of the most precious things.
The hours passed and I could see my family. For the first time in a place where no one wants to see their loved ones. It was the hardest part. My son didn't even want to look me in the eyes. My wife wasn't scared anymore, not even angry. She was disappointed and that was worse. I knew that she would accept a lot of things from me, but this wasn't one of them. I was lost and she helped me, but doing it againd was the end of it.
- Why? she said without any expression. But what I could say. I didn't even know why.
- I just...there's no explanation for what I did.
- I know.
- I am sos sorry, I really am. I don't know what to say to Michael.
- Nothing. You said it yourself. There isn't much to say. Her words killed me, but she was right. I didn't know what to say anymore. It was useless.
- Just tell Michael that you were right: I disappointed all of you and I can't change that. Apologising won't change it so I will accept your decision and I will pay for my actions.
She stand up and kissed me on the forehead.
- I forgive you and she turned back and she left. She didn't say goodbye, but I knew that was goodbye. I was goind to prison and she was free. I was goind to live there 3 or 4 or maybe more years of my life and she was going to travel, do what she always wanted and visit me from time to time and bring me a gift or something. I was going to miss my son's most important events and she was going to be there.
I was going to get out of there one day, but she wasn't going to be in my life anymore...
