The closest to heaven that I'll ever be...

- Can I use your name in my story?
- What's the point after all? People will see the name and not the story. I don't want to interfere with your message.
- But don't you want the world to see how you really are and that you give interviews to someone just to create a story?
- Actually I don't want to draw attention. I am happy the way I am. But don't get me wrong, if you want to use my name I have nothing against it. It's your entire choice. I won't be mad.
I saw that she was telling the truth. She was used with getting a lot of attention and this could be some good advertising for her, because after all she was an actress. But she was still simple and down to earth and I really wanted to as her a few questions.
- So, first of all, have you always wanted to be an actress or someone pushed you to?
- People pushed me to do a lot of things and I did some of them. Of course, it was stupid, but this was something they tried to push me away from, so...I can't say that I wanted to do this since I was born. C'mon, you don't even know how to eat without putting something on your shirt when you are little, so who says that they wanted this since they were kids, they are lying. But it doesn't mean that they don't love it.
So, here she was. Breaking every concept that I had thought before. She knew who she was and that was shy she was running from cliches, from being a part of a category where everybody is the same. She seemed confident and didn't care about what you might think.
- And how you entered in this industry, after all?
- I really don't know. It isn't something you choose, it finds you. You see, I tried to do a lot of things and then I wanted to act and I knocked on doors and I ran and I worked my ass off and I forgot about the people in my life and with all of that nothing. But I never gave up. That's important.
- Yeah, but maybe something it is not meant to be.
- You're right and you will know when you have to stop. You see, my faith was walking on broken glass, I was just a shadow of someone else's thoughts, but I was sent a star that thought me how to shine.
- Those are big words.
- No, please. I don't wanna say big words. She smiled. I had never seen before so much simplicity from someone so complicated.
- But I learnt that when you are on strange tides, you need that little bit of luck you have always tried to deny. I learnt from the bad character what means to be kind. I saw that people can change overnight and all you have to do is let them go. I learnt that, on a set, you can have the best cast, director, writer, but if you don't have the best one who holds the microphone, put the lights ot the one who brings coffee and food, the film won't be as good as you would like to be.
- Excuse me, but how old are you exactly? I asked amused and surprised. She smiled again.
- 25, well almost 26.
- That's impressive. I would like to be like you one day, although nobody gives a damn about what I want.
- Don't worry about them. I wasn't supported too much, but one day, a teacher told us: " Do what you want in life. You will see that it won't feel like work and the end won't even matter because all that will matter will be the journey."
- Wise words.
- Indeed. It was the second time when someone's words touched my heart. It felt good, you know. It felt real.
- I know.
Then it was a moment of silence. Me thinking about what I really wanted, she probably asking herself if she made the right choice.
- But have you ever wondered that maybe this wasn't the best way and all will go down.
- Oh, so many times. I became everything I wasn't supposed to be, but this brought me the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and right now...I don't wanna go home.

I choose, I pay...that's the rule

 I could hear her crying. Screaming. And I wasn't able to do anything. It was my fault. All of that situation. And I was going to pay for my actions.
- Please! Stop! This must be a mistake! But it was't, only that I was a coward to tell. I tried to make things right and I hoped this would never happen and so they wouldn't find out. But things go their own way and there's nothing we can do.
- Tell them! Tell them there is no way you did that. Tell them, Josh! Please! I could stand seeing her crying and my kid looking at me with no expression. At least they were taking me from there and I could escape from their looks for a while.
- You can come and see him in 24 hours! And we left and they remained there. But I wasn't able to see them anymore.
The first hours were also the worst. Being lonely in a cell, for the first time, it isn't exactly a nice feeling. In those moments everything that I had done passed through my mind. How I became involved in a drug business when I was in my twenties and what life I had. Being drunk and high almost everytime. And then I met Lisa. I didn't take it too serious, but she was good and when she found out what I was doing she helped me. Those were the worst weeks of my life. I was sick. Trembling. Sweating. Trying to resist the temptation. I was sure I was gonna die, but it looked like there were other things for me to do.
After that I knew that I needed her and I couldn't let her go. And so I decide I wanted a family, a real one. So, Michael was born and he became the center of our life. I was finally happy. I had all that you would want, but we can't change the past and sometimes it comes after you.
I entered in a dark period in my life and so I resume my old habits. It was the only thing that I was actually good at. It felt good. I don't know why, but that was the kind of lifestyle that I liked. That made me feel alive. You know all that adrenaline. The feeling that you can be caught at any moment. That became like a drug. And after that, nothing seemed to be the same. I wasn't the same man. I was gone for hours. Days. Nights. I was in a rolercoaster of emotions. And that is how I ended there. In prison. The place where I actually deserve to be. The place where being able to feel the sun is one of the most precious things.
The hours passed and I could see my family. For the first time in a place where no one wants to see their loved ones. It was the hardest part. My son didn't even want to look me in the eyes. My wife wasn't scared anymore, not even angry. She was disappointed and that was worse. I knew that she would accept a lot of things from me, but this wasn't one of them. I was lost and she helped me, but doing it againd was the end of it.
- I am sorry! I knew words couldn't change what I did, but she deserved an apology. I expected her to say something, but it didn't happen. I know I am a loser and nothing can be changed now, but...
- Why? she said without any expression. But what I could say. I didn't even know why.
- I just...there's no explanation for what I did.
- I know.
- I am sos sorry, I really am. I don't know what to say to Michael.
- Nothing. You said it yourself. There isn't much to say. Her words killed me, but she was right. I didn't know what to say anymore. It was useless.
- Just tell Michael that you were right: I disappointed all of you and I can't change that. Apologising won't change it so I will accept your decision and I will pay for my actions.
She stand up and kissed me on the forehead.
- I forgive you and she turned back and she left. She didn't say goodbye, but I knew that was goodbye. I was goind to prison and she was free. I was goind to live there 3 or 4 or maybe more years of my life and she was going to travel, do what she always wanted and visit me from time to time and bring me a gift or something. I was going to miss my son's most important events and she was going to be there.
I was going to get out of there one day, but she wasn't going to be in my life anymore...

You see, that means life...

- I don't even know what to say now.
- Why is that? I looked at her. She was a nice old lady. You could see that she wasn't used to talk too much about her.
- Because nobody asked me about what I was doing. It is not so interesting and after all no one actually cares.
- It is their business, but for me is impressive to find out that you worked 50 years at a train station. There must have been a few interesting stories.
I saw a spark in her eyes. I was happy to see that I could bring back to life some memories.
- Well, I saw a lot of people everyday. Coming, leaving. They were there to welcome someone ot to say goodbye. They were lonely people who took the train only to forget about problems, or couples who went on a surprise trip. Angry, happy, nervous, busy, lost people. I saw al kinds of them.
I even took part of a proposal. She was coming back from Paris where she had a scholarship for a few month. When she got off the train he was waiting at a table with a violonist and proposed her. She said yes, of course and the next day I saw them again buying some tickets and after that I have never seen them. Probably they went on a trip, or who knows maybe they moved to Paris. But I was so happy that I could see a part of the life and I even wanted to receive a proposal like that.
- And did you?
- You young people...you want to find out things too quickly. I will tell you, of course, but be patient.
- Sorry, sorry, but I told you it was interesting.
- After that, things were pretty the same, until I saw this boy, everyday, at the exact same hour, taking the same train. It didn't seem something unusual, but everything has an end. And one day he showed up at the station but he didn't take the train and he sat there until the next day. That was a thing that couldn't pass unnoticed so I went to him.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm sorry, I dind't want to..."He was practically asleep.
"Don't worry. It is nothing, but you spent the whole night here and I am pretty sure that it is not ok."
"No, no, I just...I will just go."
"Hey, easy, let me buy you a coffee."
"I don't want to bother you..."
"It's ok, I just finished my shift and you seem like you need a pretty good coffee."
- We went to the near shop and here we started to talk. He told me that his sister was sick and he was staying here and had to visit her everyday at the hospital. And that one day she passed away, but he still went to see her grave to talk to her. He felt like it was his responsability, until the other day when he couldn't do it anymore. He wanted so much to step on that train, but something didn't let him. It was time to let her go. I was so impressed by his story that I almost cried, but he didn't let me. He said that wasn't a sad story, it was actually a happy one because that was a sign that she finally found her peace. And since that day we were really close and saw each other almost everyday. And we became more than friends and one day my boss came to me with some news that made me to feel like everything was falling apart in my life for the first time.
"I received some bad news, your boyfriend was in an accident and he asked for you. You need to take this train right now."
I didn't need to think twice about it and I stepped on that train the next second. And there I saw it. From the entrance and through the whole hall there were a few persons with a rose in their hands. I followed them and there was him, in his knees with a little box in his hand and that was the second time I was so nervous.
"Will you marry me?"
- And you said yes!
- Will you let me tell my story?
- Sorry, sorry again.
"Yes, yes, of course" It was my dream proposal and he was there. "But we will talk home about the fact that I almost died today because of you."
"We will talk whatever you want."
And so we got married. And life went forward how it is supposed to be. We had a child. We watched him grow and we watched him leave and make a life on his own. That is how things work.
- Darling...I heard a voice and an old man entered into the room. Sorry to interrupt, but Sebastian called. He said he will come tomorrow with everybody.
- Thank you, my dear. It is ok, we are almost done...But you were right, that train station is a part of me. I welcomed people in my life there and I let them go. You see, that means life.

What makes us girls...

There was a time when, no matter what others said, we had so much fun. We didn't care about consequences, about what was going to happen. Our teacher even said that we would never make it. That was, let's say, the first part of a long journey.
I remember that, one night, a friend called me to pick up my best friend. She was at some party and I couldn't go that time. When I got there she was sitting in front of the house, waiting and you could see she had a few more beers than she should have. I helped her to get in the car.
- I can't tell how much I hate those guys, she said. I just wanted to stay a little longer. What's wrong with that? She was serious, but she sounded so funny, barely being able to keep her head up. So I tried not to make fun of her.
- I know. I know. They don't know what they lost.
- Exactly. I mean...I could go that way all night and...dance...I like to dance...
She wasn't coherent anymore, so the rest of the conversation wasn't something that I could remember. I took her up in our room and she continued speaking even after that. I put her in bed.
- I think I am just gonna go back and tell them that they were jealous of my dance. Yeah, that's what I am gonna do.
But she didn't. She fell asleep immediately and that was just one night in college. That was how we took care of each other. It was nice. Everytime one was in trouble, the other was ready to get her out of there. Of course there were times when we both did the same mistake, but that was even funnier.
After that we grew up and each other became a thing or another, focused ourselves on something else. And here came the second part in our lives, when you realise what it is good for you. What you really want.
She had a nice house, a husband and a baby coming. I had my dream job and a boyfriend. We changed so much and we weren't the same girls from college.
- So, when are you leaving? she asked surprised.
- In two days.
- And for how much?
- I don't know. It could be a year, two or maybe more.
After that was a moment of silence. I knew that day had to come, but I din't know it would be like that.
- But you are expecting a baby. I am having my dream come true. We did our best, don't you think?
- I know, but we were a great team.
- I know. And I hugged her. I didn't want to cry, but nothing was gonna be the same. But don't worry, we will talk.
And we did. For a while. But then we got busy, it wasn't like you see that person at least once a week or you can call her everyday. And then there came a time when we didn't talk in months.
After a few years I came back for a vist and I ran into her. It was nice to see how much we changed again. This was the last part of this journey. I realised how we are the result of our choices. How some things are meant to be and others not.
I saw then why we don't stay together. We are cursed to find that one thing that we would die for, even if it is a dream, love or job and let it kills us because this is what makes us girls...

How a man sees a lady...

The room was crowded. There were a lot of people, some I knew, others I had no idea who they were. I felt a little bit like an outcast. I had never enjoyed those kind of parties. Most people were too fancy, like it was a royal celebration and the ones who weren't like that, still were fancier than me. But it was my best friend's biggest night and I had to be there. At least a couple of hours.
I went to the bar and ordered a drink and all I could here around me were discussions about the latest artist or the opening of a new gallery or their business. Everything there was formal, nothing fun, so I decided to go out and enjey the view of the near lake. At least there was quite. But after a few minutes, without even noticing, someone was standing beside me.
And then I saw her, in a long black dress that fitted perfectly, with a glass of champagne in her hand. She looked at me and all I could see were those beautiful blue eyes and her smile when she saw how surprised I was.
- It it pretty boring there, isn't it? she asked and her voice left a hole inside me. I felt like I had never heard a woman with such a kind but at the same time powerful voice. I was under a spell.
- Yeah, yeah...and tehre is too...
- Noisy. Yes, I know. That's why I like to come here. It is a peaceful place. Then she drank. I didn't know what she was doing, but every move captivated me. The way she was holding the glass, how she was drinking, how she was looking at that lake like it was the only place in this world.
I felt like a stupid kid, when he can't take his eyes from a bike or some candy. But I couldn't do anything about that. Then she took out a cigarette.
- Got a light? I had a lighter in my pocket and I helped her. Do you smoke?
- No, but I always have a lighter with me. You don't know when it could be useful.
- Yeah, me neither. I mean I just smoke occasionally, when the situation requires it. Like this one.
- You need a distraction.
- Kind of. You understand me. Then she smiled at me and I saw that she wasn't an ordinary woman.
Then I heard a slow song and I had an idea.
- Would you like to go inside and have this dance? She looked a bit surprised, but I knew she wouldn't refuse.
- Yes, I would like that.
- Well, après vous!
- Looks like someone knows how to impress a woman.
- A lady. I use those for ladies.
We came back inside. I put my arm slowly around her back, hoping not to be nervous. I just had started to be more confident.
- I have to say that I am not a good dancer, actually.
- You're doing well by now mister. Then we just let ourselves guided by music and said nothing. It would have ruined the moment. After a while the music stopped and so did we.
- Thank you for this dance. You were pretty good.
- Then, I have to thank you.
- But I'll have to leave right now...we'll see again.
- But I don't even know your name.
- Don't worry! You will! And she left.
I knew that if she was just a woman, that night wouldn't have ended like that. But she was a lady and I knew I needed to be a gentleman. I watched her leaving.
That dress, that body, that voice, that walk...