Killing my conscience...
We are in this room, where light barely can enter. We are not looking at each other. How could we? We are two people who were once so close and now, even if we share the same space, it is like an entire century is between us and those are just different worlds. And maybe this is what it is. Maybe we are in the same room, but in different times. Maybe we are still trying to remember the lost times and go back to the past. But it can't be right. I killed him. Yes, I let him standing there, alone, in pain, watching me leaving, cursing me, using words I hadn't known he was capable of. But he was. When people are hurt they show their true self. They show you how much you don't know about them after a lifetime. They show you how words are the most powerful weapon they can use against you.
"I was your friend. I was there." His voice showed anger, but at the same time some kind of begging.
"I know. I don't know what to say, it is just..."
"I did my best. I supported you. I was there for you. I waited for you when you said you need your time."
"I haven't said you didn't."
"But...? What was I supposed to do? What should have I done more to make you happy? To accept me?"
"It is not that I didn't accept, but I just can't. I can't let you make me happy because I can't do the same for you. I can't be that person. I tried and some things just don't work." How should I have said that to sound less painfully?
"I don't know what to say..."
"It is just...I like to use a dark color for my life. I often found myself in the chaos of trouble and I am insecure about what should I do. But I love being like this. I thing being involved with someone right now creates a messy situation and you are too bright to be trapped under this dirt. I am too complicated and I don't want to make you feel bad."
"Don't pull this thing on me. I am capable to make my own decisions. You can't tell me if I can handle a situation or not." Now he was angry and I felt like I was going to break down, but I realised that sometimes you just have to be cold to let things go.
"No, I won't tell you. But I don't want this. Maybe you are the sweetest person in the entire world, maybe I won't find someome like that...but I know that when I came here I didn't have that feeling that I will miss you like you do. I don't like being anyone's anything. I don't like depending on anyone. Every single time, I was never sure of you, I haven't felt like you could manage the chaos that is my mind. Because yes, I am sick, I have my owm ilness and you are not the antidote."
"What the hell are you talking about? Do you even hear you? You can't live in your own fairytale. You can't expect someone to deal with all your insecurities and troubles and wonders. No one could resist it. Listen to me!"
He stormed out and in that moment I knew he was on the verge of giving up. I just had to push him to the limit.
"I don't expect you to understand. But some people are just not made for each other, even if they have a great time together. But I just hope you won't forget me."
"You have some nerve to ask me that. You...you just like to feel nothing." And he left and shut the door behind him.
My hands were shaking. My whole body was feeling weak and exhausted. My mouth was dry. What have I done, I asked myself. But then I realised I did the best thing. I had to. I couldn't make him endure moments of fake hapiness or just make it feel right because it was easy. No, it has to be a little bit hard. It has to push you to your limits and make you want to show the labyrinth of your complications.
