The bucket list of an undecided person...

It comes a time when we have to take our jacket and see how we grew up. In a better or worse way, well that depends on everyone. But I don't know what to think about myself. Now I want something, then something else. It's tricky, I know, but what can I do?
I know I realized that one day, when a friend came to show me something that I thought I would never see again.
"Hey, look! I found something in one of your old books."
"What is it?"
"It seems to be a list, I don't know..."
"Let me see it!"He was right. It was a list, a list with things that I wanted to achieve in life. A piece of paper that made me remember my whole life and all the things I was afraid to do. "Indeed, it is kind of my bucket list."
"Really, a bucketlist?" He was both surprised and amused.
"C'mon. We all did that. At some point. We wanted to write down all the thing we dreamt of and hope one day we will check all of them."
"Maybe you did that." He joked.
"Oh, forget about it. It's nothing."
"No, I want to see." And he took it and I wasn\t able to stop him. Or maybe I didn't want to.
"Travel the world. That's a good one. But it's kind of a vast action."
"I know. I mean, I still want to travel, but I want to have that homesickness, which makes me to always come back. I need it."
"Ok. Sing in front of a large audience."
"Right, but when I am drunk probably, why would I make a fool of myself?"
"But where would be the fun then?"
"Just go on."
"Go and see a sunrise."
"Ok, but then go and sleep because it is too early. Believe me."
"Throw a big party."
"Yeah, I can do that, but can I leave after that, right? I mean, I really don't like parties." He showed me a strange look. But he knows I don't like those.
"Go to a blind date. I would like see that coming from you."
"People really enjoy that? You don't know that person and you could be so disappointed, but it can also be the other way around. I don't know, it's both fun and boring."
"Oh right, what else you wanted. Fly a helicopter, ride a rollercoaster."
"How can I do that when I am afraid of heights? What was I was thinking? Sorry, when I was young I wasn't thinking."
"You still aren't. You do realize that everything you say now it's completely different from what you believed in?"
"Not completely."
"Ok, then, what about this: kiss a stranger."
"And then slap them without no reason. I can check that, only that I was the one slapped."
"Ok, what else? Mentor someone."
"Good one, but tell them not to become like you, it is not never good."
"Number 13: do something incredible"
"But refuse to remember the result. Don't pay attention."
"Find your hero?"
"But never go after him, you will ruin the mystery."
"Sleep outside, under the stars."
"Why would I do that, there are bugs, noises and it's cold and who knows what else?"
"You are a total mess. But I like this:believe in something with all that you got, with every tear."
"But then believe the opposite. It's kind of interesting that way."
"I don't even know why I listen to you anymore. You have a response for everything that you wrote. It's like you are trying to argue with an old you."
I didn't know what to say. He made a point. I was doing that. I was mad at myself, but at my present self, not the other one. The old one was funny and adventurous and ready to change the world. The present one was just a shade of that.What I did all that time? Where I was? What happened with that person and his goals?
"I know it's hard to do all these things, but at least don't deny every one of them. Like this one for example: forgive myself."
"But never forget. You don't want to make the same mistake over and over again."
"That's actually a good advice. You see, you can do this. You can make a decision. It's only up to you."
And it was up to me. Still is. Only that I have to remember one point from my list: Don't keep a bucketlist, go there with an open mind.

Letter to the world...

  Dear world,

You know when you have that feeling that you don't belong somewhere. That everything you do it is not worth, that you are just a ghost trying to find a place, hoping for things to change, wanting that. But what can you do? I mean, it's not like you could change the world. The others are having fun, smiling, dancing, enjoying a life too short, ready to lose themselves in a few lame songs, some drinks and maybe an unwanted love. A love which they choose because they want to feel something, or want to make someone else not to feel. But why to do that? Why to make someone feel bad for your own entertainment? Why to be so cruel? Because that is humanity nowadays. A lot of people are having fun and you are trying not to cry because they screwed you. But you have to enjoy your life. You have to look them in the eyes and smile and don't care. Why would you do something else? It's not worth. You have this life. Those short days that pass in a blink of an eye.
I remember when I was little and I asked my grandpa "Why did you have to go to war? Did you want to be a hero?" and he said "No, I never wanted that. I never will. We didn't need heroes and we don't need them now. We need people. We need human beings. And at that time, that was the right thing to do." I looked at him with perplexity. What could have understood an eight years old boy. "No one will understand why you want to do some things. Some crazy things. I mean, there were people on the front who were always asking <why? why us? why we have to do this?> and they were screaming and crying and preying to go back to their wives and children. And some did that. Some didn't. That is life. But for me, when death was so close to me, I had never felt so alive in my life. We feel different. We want something else. We are different. You can't judge someone because you don't understand them. You just have to do what you love, because one day you won't have the chance anymore."
And then, when I grew up, I said to my mother "It's not fair. We are friends." and she said "Dear, friends leave. And things go on. Life doesn't stop for anybody." "But why?", I said. That question "why" that no one wants to hear because nobody knows the answer, but she still answered me "Because we all follow our own path. If we were to remain in the same place, without changes, how do you think this world would have looked?" "Faded." "Exactly and we wouldn't have been able to see things, to experience. And if you are meant to be friends, believe me, you will find your ways to each other. It's all just a matter of time." "But what if I don't have time?" "You just need to wait. And although patience will be your worst enemy, for some things you will have."
And one day, my son asked me "What is happiness?". What I could have answered to a little boy, but I tried "Happiness is when you get down from that tree unharmed althought I told you not to climb it in the first place. Happiness is when your friends leave and follow their heart. It's when you help someone in need. Happiness is when you wake up every morning and just live." "Are you happy?" he said. "I think I am." "But how can you know?" "Because I was and I am everything I wanted to. But are you also happy?" "Yes." "And how do you know?" "I don't. I just am."
And so I learnt another lesson. I realised that you can't explain everything. Things are going to happen anyway, so you better be ready for them.
I didn't write this letter to tell you some lessons, we are anyway attending different classes. But I just woke up this morning, from a bad dream, where I was supposed to say goodbye forever and the first thing that came to my mind was: I did nothing from what I wanted and now it is too late. So whatever you do, wherever you are, remember that there is still someone who believes in you: me.


Best wishes,
Just another human like you